Grief….
Not a pleasant topic but one that is on my mind
since I’m working through the grief process and have been the last couple
months. My ex-husband, Pat, passed away
unexpectedly the week before thanksgiving.
Now while grieving for an ex-spouse might sound weird, it has been and
continues to be painful and confusing. My
hubby, Steve, has been a bit bothered by this sudden outpouring of grief for a
man who has not been in my life for a long, long time; however, Pat and I
shared a life, dreams, and children.
The actual grief came in spurts before I realized
that even as an ex-wife, I had to process the stages of grief. I went to the funeral to support my son. The funeral was just the beginning of the
process. I had not even seen my ex-husband since our grandson had passed 5
years ago. But sitting in front of his
urn is an eye-opening; heart wrenching awakening to lots of emotions that I
thought were long buried. So many things
unsaid that should have been said to provide both of us closure.
Stages of grief defined by ElisabethKubler Ross are denial, anger, bargaining,
depression and acceptance. I don’t want to get into a basic psychology
class here but each of these stages are necessary to go through successfully
the grief process. How one goes through
the process and the order of the various stages are as individual as the person
experiencing the grief. The grieving
process is unique to each person depending on his/her personality,
circumstances, and emotional state, but grieving is a necessary process.
The other side of the coin to this dilemma is that I
remarried 11 years ago to a wonderful man who I love to pieces! Our marriage has seen lots of great times as
well as hard times. Divorce is so common
in our society today that this situation is becoming more common as we, the baby
boomers, are reaching the age where death is dealt with more often. Current spouses are being called on to be
supportive and loving while their partner grieves for a lost ex-spouse. Lots of questions arise that I nor my sweet
hubby can answer:
1. Is
there marriage in heaven?
2. If
we are married, who will we be married to since we have both been married
before?
3. Do
you love me as much as you obviously loved him/her?
4. Is
our marriage going to survive this loss?
5. How
long will you grieve for him/her?
This process is both confusing and unfortunately so
necessary. There is no set deadline on
grief for anyone we lose to death. Each
person experiences emotions differently than another so grief is a personal
thing that can’t have a set time of duration.
Be good to yourself and your current spouse!
When we marry
we give a part of ourselves to that spouse that is left with that spouse when
divorce occurs. There were shared
dreams, children, experiences that might have been happy, sad, angry, etc., but
they are shared and can never be part of another marriage. Truly when we marry, part of our heart is
filled with that other person. Perhaps
that is what is meant by becoming “one flesh” (Genesis 2:24). I could go down so many rabbit holes on this
train of thought but won’t today. It’s
enough to know that grief of an ex-spouse is normal even if life with that
person was no longer possible. Feelings
and emotions are not controllable but our reactions to them are. Allow the grief and process all the stages of
grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Then follow Mary’s example while she watched
Jesus grow into a man; treasure all the good memories and ponder them in your
heart (Luke 2:19). While your ex-spouse is your past, and you have history with
him/her; remember your current spouse is your present and your future. Go create history with him/her!
For your reading pleasure:
The
death of an ex-spouse raises wrenching questions. The Globe and Mail.
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